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Vesta-Venus

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party planning [May. 4th, 2004|10:19 am]
Vesta-Venus
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]

Vesta-Venus attempts to put her thoughts on paper (OK cyberspace) and finally make some decisions ...



I want to have a party, sometime in May. Possible dates:
Saturday the 15
Saturday the 22
Saturday the 29

I think the 15th is now too early as it is less than 2 weeks away and I'm not sure I can get the house cleaned up by then.

This time there is no one person I want to schedule the party around. (I mean I hope everyone I like and who is important to me can come, but there is no one guest of honour that I have to mesh schedules with.) Everyone of the dates conflicts with stuff. There is an SCA event everyone of those weekends. People at church have cottages, dance recitals, and school plays each weekend. So, I guess in the end, it's a draw.

The Saturday of the long weekend appeals to me because I am only doing nursery the next day and not teaching, so it matters less if I'm tired. However, I would love to go with the YG to that cool worship event on the 22nd. So, I guess in conclusion if I can get the Youth Group organized and committed to going to "Revolution", I would have the party on the 29th. If not, the 22nd is my preference.

Next issues, who to invite. Obviously all my friends. But who from church and who from the SCA? I love parties. I don't mind being the hostess. But, I hate the politics of invitations. I can't have 100 people in my house, so I have to make choices, yet I fear offending people. It's easier if you are part of a group (like a Bible study or the SCA dance group). Then you can just invite that group and if anyone feels left out, you simply say that you only invited your group. But, I'm not part of any specific groups ...

Tyr also tells me that I should take distance into account and not invite any who lives farther than say Kanata because they won't want to drive and being invited will put them in the position of either driving to my place or having to say know. I'm not sure I believe him. I have gone to parties at KES & Menken's or Orleans. Tyr says that is just me - that I'm odd in that I'm willing to drive for 30-60 minutes to a party, and that normal people don't want to do this. On the other hand, if people were really "normal" (whatever normal is) would they want to be friends with me or attend one of my theme parties? :)

And then there are my friends without cars (Hunter, Shamrock, and EZ) - do I invite them or not? If I don't and they find out I didn't invite them, they are insulted. If I do, I'm some how doing something wrong, as I'm somehow not being sensitive to their special status as middle aged adults without driver's licenses. I've done both and felt like I've done the wrong thing both times. I'm still inclined to invite them. Maybe they can catch a ride with a friend of theirs. If not, should the worst thing that happens to all of us being invited to parties that we cannot attend.

This is why I sometimes like to co-host parties with people - you have a second opinion to bounce things off of.


Conclusions:

1) See if you can get the YG to commit to going to Revolution. Or if they are hemming and hawing, just decide to have it on the 29th.

2) Make GF do up a party invite. Make sure an RSVP is on it so that you can buy appropriate number of munchies.

3) Start doing up a guest list. (Expect people will be offended no matter what you do. Do it anyway - their offense is ultimately their problem.)

LinkReply

Comments:
From: fairydarkfire
2004-05-04 03:57 pm (UTC)
I guess I am not normal either as I drove from Orleans the last time you invited me to a party. I just showed up a day late. :D If I don't show up it will be more because I have things rather then the distance. May 22 is the day they are burying my dad. My brother and sister will be in town so I am unsure if we are doing anything that night. May 29th is Dandelion Festival and I have promised a newcomer a ride. :(

I would invite the people who do not have cars so they know you cared enough to invite and it really is the responsibility of the individual to find their own transportation when invited to a party.


Good luck sweetie and yes I do believe an rvsp is a wise move. :)
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[User Picture]From: vesta_venus
2004-05-05 07:24 am (UTC)
No matter what date you ever pick for something, there will be people whose company you enjoy who cannot come.

I would invite the people who do not have cars so they know you cared enough to invite

That's still my take on things.

Thanks for the insight.
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From: fairydarkfire
2004-05-05 08:24 am (UTC)
Exactly so you just have to go with what works best for you.

I wanted to explain that it would not be the distance that would stop me from attending but other commitments. :)
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[User Picture]From: buttongirl
2004-05-04 05:38 pm (UTC)
Some comments from an SCA hostess....

Do do an RSVP so you have a general idea, and tell people that is what it is for.

Don't worry about driving distance when taking into account the SCA, we are used to driving if we are motivated.

May 29 is a _local_ event, the other weekends are not. Ottawa people are likely to be planning on going to Tor brant for the 29th, I know we are.

If you have enough 'lobes', try to invite people that the non dirvers know too, and ensure that they know that the other is invited, and hope they take the hint. Alternately, once the RSVP's start coming in, try to arrainge with drivers to collect the non drivers on the way by.

The later in the season you plan it, the better chance you have for good weather, and extra people can go outside.

Revise your standards for what parts of your house are 'good enough' for parties. Most of the SCA folks (I don't know your other pals) are happy to sit on a floor that has been vaccumed/swept once or twice in the past year (ok, I am exaggerating, but you get the idea). Major decorating/ cleaning is a bonus, not a requirement. Our basement is not a 'feature' of our house, yet it has been a successful party area many times.

Decide which areas are not to be part of a party, and mark them clearly with signs (eg. the babys room, and the corridor in front of it) otherwise the party will flow there unexpectedly and noisily/messily or in whatever way you were hoping it wouldn't.

Be judicious when mixing Church and SCA, and let at least a few of the SCA people know that you are doing it (so they can let others know). The two groups may or may not mix well for a variety of reasons, depending on the people..... For instance, if I know there are potentially offendable people around I won't go on about poly stuff, even if a segueway comes up.

I hope this helps, not hinders your planning!
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[User Picture]From: vesta_venus
2004-05-05 07:46 am (UTC)
Your comments are great.

Don't worry about driving distance when taking into account the SCA, we are used to driving if we are motivated.

I tend to agree. It's Tyr (my brother) who argues this. He hates coming to my house because he once hit a deer. (Actually, the deer hit him, but that's another story ...) So, I get more complaints from him (who lives 25-30 minutes away)than anyone else I know. fairydarkfire drove an hour to my place in January when there was snow. And Rinehart and Emmaline drove an hour to my place in April at night. Must be a sibling thing. :)

May 29 is a _local_ event, the other weekends are not.

I know about Dandelion. But, if I do the long weekend, I lose Tyr to De Taahe and others to cottages. I would like to do this in May, because June is Pikeman's, then the last two good ministry weekends before summer, then it's summer. I missed the last 2 Dandelion's due to scheduling conflicts, so I am not personally attached to it. I'd rather go to Pikeman's which I've been to every year (except the one where I was 8 months pregnant.)

Revise your standards for what parts of your house are 'good enough' for parties.

Already there. We bought a Victorian house that needed to be renovated thinking that we could do it ourselves in our "spare time". I had no one over for the first year, and then finally realized that no one cared what my house looked liked. I was only hurting myself by not socializing until I had the "perfect house."

Now, I do confess that I use parties and get-togethers as motivation tools for my husband. (E.g., the party's on the 29th, let's see if we can have the quarter round put in between the baseboard and the floor in the foyer. Now, absolutely none of my friends would care or probably notice if it was done. But I would.)

You are right that when I think of the best parties I've been to in the last couple of years, I can't remember who the furniture looked like or how clean the carpet or shelves were. I remember talking with interesting people, having fun, and occasionally food or drinks if they were really memorable.

Be judicious when mixing Church and SCA, and let at least a few of the SCA people know that you are doing it

I have never had a problem with this before and I've never heard of anyone else I know having a problem. I think most of the time, people talk to people they already know and there isn't a lot of mixing. Or if people are playing games or something, there isn't a lot of talking. Actually, even before I joined the SCA, I have never had a problem of people not getting along at parties. I'd be happy just having one party where no one was upset with *me* over who was
invited or not and why I picked the one date they couldn't come!

Lots to think about - now I just have to make decisions. Beginning with the impossible - getting teenagers to make a decision (re: the 22nd.) :)
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From: (Anonymous)
2004-05-07 04:45 am (UTC)

"their special status as middle aged adults without driver's licenses"

I didn't know this was a special status thing.

I'd really prefer that you'd just ask me these things directly. Perhaps your best bet is to canvas all your "middle aged adult non-driving friends" and just ask them what they'd like. Granted, everyone may have different views, but if there are only three, it's not too hard to keep track.

Personally, I don't mind being invited, even if I can't go in the end. In these situations I'll usually ask the hostess if they know of anyone that's driving, particularly if we have mutual acquaintances that I might contact. I think in a much earlier post you'd said that this made you uncomfortable, perhaps because you think the person expects the drive to be arranged? Usually I'm just hoping for information that I can follow up myself. I haven't in the past had any problem with a hostess saying she doesn't know, and then trying to work out my own way there.

If I remember, also in that post, you suggested that people should know to invite a friend who can drive them. Have to tell you, unless that's clearly in the invite, I wouldn't dream of it. Perhaps because my place is so small that extra people can make a party impossible. I realise that even with your, larger, place, space is a potential issue, so you might not want "invite a friend" to be the rule of thumb. Couldn't you then establish a private understanding with your non-driving friends that their invitations could be "plus one" if it helped with travelling?

Just a thought.

Hunter.
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[User Picture]From: vesta_venus
2004-05-11 08:18 pm (UTC)

Re: "their special status as middle aged adults without driver's licenses"

I didn't know this was a special status thing.

I didn't either until I was made to feel awful by Shamrock last January.

Personally, I don't mind being invited, even if I can't go in the end. In these situations I'll usually ask the hostess if they know of anyone that's driving, particularly if we have mutual acquaintances that I might contact. I think in a much earlier post you'd said that this made you uncomfortable, perhaps because you think the person expects the drive to be arranged? Usually I'm just hoping for information that I can follow up myself. I haven't in the past had any problem with a hostess saying she doesn't know, and then trying to work out my own way there.

This would be the normal view of looking at the world, I would think. Last January, I had a weird phone call from Shamrock. She calls after we had emailed our "mid-winter open house" invitations. The tone of the conversation was not just that she couldn't come, but almost, why did I bother inviting her - how had I expected her to come. I was floored because I always thought inviting people to parties, even if it was unlikely they could attend was good form. Whereas, I got off the phone and felt like somehow I had done something wrong and yet wasn't sure how I had got myself into that muddle.

I made the mistake of actually having the conversation with her, instead of just listening to her for a few minutes and excusing myself. To her questions of how I expected her to come, I said that she could have been borrowing someone's car (she used to borrow her mother's, but it hasn't happened in 2 years) or that maybe she wanted to invite a friend who could drive. The borrowing a car suggestion set her off and I was informed that she would never invite anyone who didn't already know me to a party at my place because they would feel awkward. It was a memorable conversation only in that I don't think I've ever had a worse conversation with a friend where I felt like everything I was saying was being twisted and that there was nothing I could have said that would have made her happy. (Actually, I try not to think about this conversation because when I do it makes me mad that she treated me that way and it makes me feel like not calling her.)

If I remember, also in that post, you suggested that people should know to invite a friend who can drive them. Have to tell you, unless that's clearly in the invite, I wouldn't dream of it.

I usually don't put something like "Feel free to bring a friend" in an invitation because a don't want absolutely everyone bringing a friend. That's not to say that I have a problem with having people I've never met at a party - single people might want to bring a date, people might have a visiting houseguest, etc. Asking would be a good strategy, if you were unsure.

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