You didn't actually offend me, I was just over touchy since I was sure everyone at that meeting was there to yell at me about practicum. There were a number of people there waiting to see if I picked fights- I went out of my way to be polite and not give in to them. So I was a bit on edge...
Also, I have spent a great deal of my SCA life wearing cotes, and encountering other heavyish women who say, "oh, I couldn't possibly wear cotes, they are just for slim girls (like Eanor etc)". Which is more or less what you said, though you are not a heavy person.
But this view makes me either sad for them (how limiting for them not getting to wear this elegant garb), or mad at them (what you mean I shouldn't wear them? I am no skinny minnie!), or turn introspective and morose (oh lord, what must everyone be thinking, me this big fat 200+ woman in these dresses that everyone agrees are for skinny chicks....)
YOu managed to hit the last two simulatinously. I have been trying to diet so I can lose the 25 lb I gained when quitting Rockland, and it is not really easy. But with this 25 on, I can't fit into the cotes at all, weather I want to or no. This has taken a toll on my self esteem, since being 'buttongirl' in the sexy dresses is a lot of who I am in the SCA, and I miss being able to do that.
Also, I have been going through a personal revolution internally. I don't like dieting in principle. I don't like it when women hate the way they look becuase they are 'too fat'. I have spent alot of my life beliveing and acting on 'fat liberation'. WHy shouldn't fat girls be sexy too?
BUt after I gained this 25, and it didn't just slither off when the stress went away, and I realized I couldn't get into most of my clothes (SCA or modern or sexy), I felt dreadful. Ugly. Undesireable. FAT. All the things that I had railed against women feeling. And the only way to solve it was to do hte diet and exercise thing, even though it goes against all my principles. Why couldn't I just accept my self as a size 18 and move on? I have no idea, but I couldn't. I feel it is a great personal failing, a failure to live up to my principles. But at the same time, I can't live like this either.
I have now lost 10 pounds, and I am hoping to lose another 5 or so before coronation in the hopes of being able to wear a cote again there in comfort. Some days are harder, some easier. You definately caught one of the bad ones. Sorry if I upset you!
You didn't upset me. I was worried that I upset you. I like to think of myself as being an encouraging person or I suppose at worst leaving people neutral to having encountered me during a day. It really bothers me when I think I've left people feeling worse about themselves or their lives after having walked away from a conversation with me.
I guess it was a weird day for both of us. I had been there since 2:30 for a non-existent SCA day. I was thrilled to see two people (Rod and Fionna) out to their first meetings. I was feeling good in my chatelaining ability at being able to introduce Rod with his myriad of 14th century costuming questions to you. And then I hung around for the discussion only because I am interested in costuming and it was some of the most interesting discussion I had heard all day.
I am not someone who goes around tell other people that they need to lose weight or how to garb themselves. I love TLC's What Not to Wear where they take the position that they don't have problems with body types, but rather how the body is being dressed to play up a woman's best assets.
My comments were out of my own self-esteem problems of having lost 20 pounds in 2001 and having gained 20 pounds in 2002 and now almost two years later only having lost about 3 of those extra 20 pounds. I did get myself down to having a body like Eanor's in 2001 and I still have several pieces of really cool mundane clothing that would fit when when/if I ever get that body back. I mentioned Eanor's name only because that is what I think *I* should be looking like, not because I think that all women must be her size to be beautiful or that cotehardies or any other clothing style would only flatter her body type.
I honestly had no idea that you were trying to lose weight or were sensitive about it. My perception of you (as someone who doesn't know you very well and only sees your public side)is that you are a bubbly, outgoing woman who is totally secure with her appearance, her femininity, and her sexuality. (In short, everything that I am not.)
I totally sympathize with having gained weight after quitting your job. I managed to lose a bit of weight at first after the baby and then started putting it on while at home on maternity leave. Being around the house all day does not agree with my undisciplined style of eating. Your wanting to fit back into your sexy dresses sounds like me trying to fit back into my cool things that I bought during my slim periods.
And I can tell you how many people are unsupposrtive of my trying to lose weight because I already weigh less than them or because I'm "not that fat" and don't therefore have anything to complain about. Just as I don't judge other women because they are a size 14, or 18, or 24, I wish people would stop getting hung up on my size - about a 10 - and pronounce me "fine". The point is that while other people might be happy to be a 10, I am not when everything in my closet that makes me feel young and sexy and good about myself is a size 6.
I wish you the best of luck in your weight loss endeavours and if you do get into your cotehardie by Coronation, I will be one of the people who will acknowledge your efforts because I know how hard it is.
Thank you for your support! :-D
And although I didn't say it very well in my comment above, I wasn't really upset with _you_, you just managed to hit a hot button for me, when I was really stressed, and instead of finding out what you were realy saying, I just kind of grumped at you. Thank you for being understanding about it!
My perception of you (as someone who doesn't know you very well and only sees your public side)is that you are a bubbly, outgoing woman who is totally secure with her appearance, her femininity, and her sexuality.
Well, at least my PR dept is doing it's job! :-D That is what I like my public face to be, for better for for worse. And I think once I get back under 200 lb, I will be back on track with that, more or less. And really, more of the time than I care to mention, it _is_ the PR dept working, that is not who I really am. It is easier to be that person when I am in a large group of people. COnnecting in an honest way (Like we all did on Tues) is too hard at an event, and I just get exhausted.
(In short, everything that I am not.)
You aren't the first wonderful, smart, pretty woman to say this to me. And I always wonder why, since you guys have at least as much to offer as I do, and often more. I think it really is the PR- after I have had a drink or two, I start beleiving in my own PR, and that makes a huge difference. IF you say something to your self often enough, you start to beleive it. And you can make other people beleive it too- it has worked for me for years at post revs!
(At least till serious types like your brother come around- he doesn't seem to fall for the PR, and it is disconcerting. I either want to flaunt myself at him so much that he _has_ to believe it, or avoid him like the plague, lest he make me see thru it myself.)
I understand you wanting to be a bit smaller for yourself, but I guess as someone who hasn't seen size 10 since 10th grade, and probably never will again, it seems a bit frustrating. And I also sometimes find it frustrating as someone who is quite happy being around 190-200 and size 16, and who wants to 'change the eyes of society' to enjoy (or at least not be repulsed by) the look of a bigger girl, it kind of feels like slim girls who want to be slimmer yet have "sold out", and are working against the cause.
I guess I have to remind myself that my cause, (while a just and worthy one :-D ) is not everyones cause. And that not everyone who wants to lose wieght is going to become anorexic.
And having now freaked out myself about weight, I can understand a little more of where you are coming from. You are just hitting your "oh goodness this is just _not_ sexy" place at a much lower weight/size than me.
Anyway, thank you for writing, and I look forward to seeing you more at Fairy's get togethers.
Have a super time on your trip!