||[Apr. 12th, 2004|12:33 am]
It wasn't a typical Easter weekend, or even really an Eastery Easter weekend. All that stuff on Thursday though me for a loop. Yes, it was a bunch of petty things that won't matter in 2 years, much less matter on my death bed, but it is often the little petty things that tend to wear me down.|
One of my favourite coping strategies is compensation - when my romantic life is not going well, I throw myself into a project. When work is going badly, I lean on friends or family. Some of my worst periods of my life have occurred when there were simultaneous things going wrong in every area of my life. Individually, none of them were that major, but added up, there is no safe area of my life to retreat into.
Thursday affected me in part because I had such a tremendous time on vacation. I came back from that to a world where I had 4 phone calls before 9:00 AM the first day I was back. I was very quickly back to "everyone wants a piece of me" mode and as per usual there are not enough pieces to go around.
The exercise class thing is nothing in and of itself, except that it was the only good thing about going to a job where I am constantly treated like an idiot. (Now the only good thing about going to work is that I have a much faster internet connection at my desk and can update my journal and read al of your entries more often). I was also hoping to use the fitness coordinator's energy to kick-start my badly need fitness regime. I know, I could just knock off work 1/2 early and come home and do my Pilates tape at home, but it isn't the same.
The monologue was a big disappointment. I had felt so inspired writing it. To fit out the night before that it didn't fit in with my minister's planned sermon was disappointing. (I don't blame him for it. He wrote the sermon before he saw my monologue and it is his responsibility to oversee a cohesive vision of a worship service.)
However, as a result of having poured my passion into something that wasn't going to happen, I didn't feel like going to either the Thursday service or the Friday service. This set up a dynamic of apathy that resulted in my not going to the Easter Vigil Saturday evening. And then today, when I had 15 minutes to dry my hair, get dressed and get to church on time, it was easy to not go and stay home to give my daughter a bath. I went to the 11:00 service, but I was on nursery duty, so I really didn't worship God or talk to anyone. So, I pretty much ruined Easter weekend for myself by taking this rejection of my monologue too seriously.
It's bigger than just a monologue or an exercise class though. It's about why I am still working a job I hate when my husband promised me in 1998 that I could quit in 6 months. And it's about how things are not going so well ministry wise. Basically, I am running into apathy everywhere I turn. I have given out only five 30-Hour Famine forms and will probably have to cancel it. Our last Youth Group event was a no-go as was the last Junior Youth Group. Sunday School is a mess and I can never find adult volunteers for anything. This is so much bigger than me as it is a parish-wide problem and not something I'm doing wrong. But I am tired of being a cheer-leader for the apathetic. And in the last few days, when I have had enough problems getting motivated to get out of bed, get dressed, or get off the couch, I'm not sure I can scrounge up the extra energy to motivate anyone else ...
And if I don't have the energy to be a cheerleader for the apathetic in my beloved youth ministry, then I really don't have the energy to do it for the apathy in Caldrithig. The Coronation feast coordinator did not deign to grant myself and my party of 5 other people space for feast. Acorn-girl wrote to me and asked what I felt like doing for dinner. I wrote back and told her that I felt like not going to Coronation period. This is supposed to be a hobby. This is supposed to be my retreat and my source of fun. If I want rejection, I can go to work or to church.
I feel myself sinking back into the beginnings of a depression. I really don't want to go there again. Maybe I can nip this in the bud, because this time I actually have someone who depends on me.
I am sorry things are not going well. If you would like to tell us which night you are free next week we can plan one of our nights out.
Were you told that you did not get a seat for feast? I was not sure how she was handling it.
No that was one of the more annoying parts. Although I was the one who originally place the reservation for 6 people (me, Tyr, GF, Acorn-girl, 2CatDaddy, and Dragon-boy), she sent the message to Acorn-girl. (Acorn-girl had emailed her after I sent in the group info to make sure that she and 2CatDaddy had been confirmed.) She only emailed Acorn-girl the "sorry you didn't get in" message and Acorn-girl emailed her back asking why the rest of the party got in. It was then that she emailed back saying that the rest of us hadn't gotten in either. So, she didn't even have the decency to email me directly - I have been vicariously ousted from feast, via Acorn-girl.
I know they were doing it by party, and I am surprised that they didn't let the party 'leader' (you since you made the reservation) know. Perhaps they thought you had passed the hat to Acorn girl, or that that was another alias for you? I would contact her to ask why this happened. It is the first time they have run this, they need to know the feedback, good and bad. Hugs!
I am so sorry to hear that you had such a bummed out weekend!
I can so understand the let down of all this after having a wonderful vacation break, and I am like you, all this would affect me as well, in much the same ways.
I feel the apathy too, it is not just caldrithig, but Greyfells as well, and from talking to others it sounds like these are not the only groups. I think somehow we are _all_ (like the whole world) getting overloaded with stuff- perhaps this is the real toll of the 'war on terror'- we are all living in a hieghtened state of stress, and it affects us all. I don't know how to fix that, not at all.
For Coronation, I would not take it personally, I beleive they held a draw/lottery for it, and I am sure there were many people entered into it. I know it is hard to get the energy, but there will be some off board space, and you could still have some of the event experience. If you really can't face cooking for it, I happen to know that the lunch counter will be serving delicious medieval foods at reasonable prices during the day. You could buy some things to eat later. I could sell you a paris pie for $6, pot luck problem solved.
Big hugs, and if I can do anything for you, let me know....