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W5 [May. 16th, 2004|11:03 am]
The 5 W's - worship, wasps, Wal-Mart, weekends, and waiting

After writing in my journal the other day about my vow to attend a pure worship service once a week, I did not go to worship today. I just couldn't bring myself to get up early. GF had been at the conference on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. While it was great to spend all that extra time with my daughter, it was also exhausting. So, this morning, I traded worshiping God for sleeping in an extra hour and being able to take a shower. Actually, this morning we all had time to take a shower and for once, the three of us all went to church being clean at the same time. :)

I suppose I can still make good on my commitment. The vow was to attend one pure worship service once a week, but I never said it had to be a Sunday. (By pure worship service, I mean a service where my only motivation in going is to worship. Unlike the 11:00 service, where I need to talk to people, I teach class, I chase a toddler around, and I come home exhausted. I've served God, but not really worshiped Him.) I really don't feel like going to the Wednesday night service. I noticed in the bulletin that a neighboring parish is having an evening of the poetry of William Butler Yeats and Irish music. At first I thought – hey I can go to that, and then I realized that it technically is a concert and not a worship service. Then I thought that even if it isn't really worship, I would probably get far more out of it spiritually than I probably would have if I had gone to 8:00 today.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I know Collin finds deep meaning in the 8:00 service and he speaks of the poetry of the liturgy. I've tried it and the Wednesday night service at least 3 times each and I still don't seem to be able to find this deep connection in them. But, I do seem to connect to things like dance or poetry. The truth is that I would probably find more of a spiritual connection in Zelia's dance recital on Sunday night, if I went. Someone I used to be close to once called me a pagan (over something that I was interested in) and it cut me to the core. I suppose one of the reasons that it hurt me so much is that it probably hit on subconscious doubts of my own. I don't think his accusation was true, and I think that my doubts about myself have probably been planted by the enemy, but I don't really seem to always fit within the boundaries that we've defined as worship. Of course, there is always a chance that the problem isn't with me, but that the church needs to let worship out of the narrow box in which it has put it. Or the truth could be that both the church and I need improvement.

Yesterday, when I was home alone, I was cleaning the kitchen when I heard a buzzing sound. It didn't sound like a fly. I looked in the sink and there was a wasp that was over an inch long. I screamed and came upstairs. I was trying to calm down and ended up calling Mom and Dad. Dad offered to come over at 4:30 if I could stay out of the kitchen for 3 hours. It turned out that they were going to go for dinner with a friend and go toddler clothes shopping. Instead, we ended up going out for dinner at Denny's and shopping at Wal-Mart. We bought her the remaining few things she needed for a summer wardrobe – and the best part was that for once, I got to be involved in picking out her clothes. And the wasp was on the kitchen floor comatose when Mom and Dad arrived. I should have known it wasn't that healthy when I had been in the kitchen for about 10 minutes before I heard it make a sound. Yet, if it hadn't been for that wasp, I would never have gotten together with Mom and Dad. Sometimes horrible things can turn into blessings.

There are too many things that are "in pencil" in my life. That youth event that was to be the Saturday of the long weekend has been canceled. I don't think any of the youth wanted to go, but at least now I don't have to feel like a failure as a youth minister that I couldn't inspire them to go. Now, there is that Celtic thing on Saturday night, Zelia's recital on Sunday night, and Emmaline's scrap booking party on Monday. Plus, I have to work in between – and I'm four hours behind from last week, as I couldn't work Saturday because I had Grace all day.

Then there is the party. So, far we have only 1 confirmed couple, and umpteen maybes. We still haven't found paint for the living room yet, much less scheduled time to paint.

Beyond that, there is Pikeman's. Tyr won't go. I tried to talk him into not going to Dandelion but coming to my party instead, and then driving with me to Pikeman's the week after - but no luck. I could just go by myself, but do I really want to drive 3 hours there and back by myself.

Plus, we need to figure out by the end of May whether or not we are going to Pennsic. If we do go, Pennsic is incredibly late this year. At first I was excited when I saw the August calendar because I scheduled VBS for late in August thinking that I could have a week in between Pennsic and it. However, the Pennsic people decided to move Pennsic to the second and third week in August this year instead of the first and second that it's been on for the past 5 years. So, if I go, I still have to miss the week before VBS (which is when everyone suddenly has questions) and come home on a Saturday to begin running it on the Monday. I did it in 2001, but I seemed to have more energy then and didn't have a toddler in tow.

There are 4 options, all with their pros and cons:

1) Both of us go to Pennsic and take Grace with us – it would be really hard. She is all over the place and it would be exhausting.
2) We both go to Pennsic and leave Grace with Mom and Dad – I'm not even sure they could take her for a week and I'd miss her like crazy.
3) I go to Pennsic and leave Grace with GF – I'd still miss her and GF would be resentful if I did this.
4) We don't go – I loved Pennsic in 2001 and I was upset that I couldn't go back last year.

None of the options are appealing. It's a matter of picking the one that I can most live with.


From: fairydarkfire
2004-05-17 11:03 am (UTC)
Sounds like the wasp brought something positive into your life with his dying breathe.

You must be having a tough time deciding about Pennsic. It can't be easy with a young child.
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